Brought to you by Farah Yare
I – Preliminary diagnosis
|The Patient||North Eastern region of Kenya|
|Spiritits||chronic clannish mentality|
|The Spiritonauts:||sufferers of Spiritits (Somali men)|
|The Spirits||Ultra-ancestral emissions that are visible only to the eyes of the Spiritonauts|
|The Body||Somali people|
|The Organs||Clans, Sub clans, etc.|
Somali proverb says “Old sheep’s eyes see the sky only after it is slaughtered”. The sudden reality of self-governance (i.e. County Governments) had caught us by surprise. Since then, we, the spiritonauts, are still debating about the never ending aftershocks.
The essay contains fictional medical terms, diseases, hospital, city and an imaginary ritual named “Baby branding”. The essay is intended as a purgative pill for the Somali intellectuals, thinkers, politicians and religious scholars. It may cause unpleasant reactions to sensitive Somalis. Every medicine has its side effects. Truth causes fear upon men but it doesn’t kill them as the Somali saying goes.
I thank the almighty God, who inspired me with the idea of this essay. I hope that it will serve as a labour inducing medicine (Foolkeento) for the resuscitation of Northern Kenya.
Cautionary note for the Spiritonauts: “I, alone, wrote this essay. My ancestral spirits (Rooxaantayda) have nothing to do with it. Please, let them rest in peace”. I mean it! Don’t laugh!!
During the last one year, I became deeply engaged about finding the cause of the North Eastern quake. I have devoured and pondered over many textbooks, journals and pamphlets of the following school subjects: Archeology, Astrology, Conspiracy theories for dummies, Cosmology, Ethnology, Etiology, Exorcism, Genealogy, Geology, Geopolitics, Globalization, Historical linguistics, Leakiology, Medicine, Population genetics, Psychiatry, Sociobiology, Terrorism and Zoology.
The constant concern about the North Eastern quake and the ongoing aftershocks has affected and infiltrated my dreams. I used to get four or five dreams every night. In my last dream, I was sitting on a chair, reading a psychiatry book. My eyes got tired after reading for a long time. Then I put my head on the table and closed my eyes.
After a short time I got a dream. A dream inside my dream! It was a black and white 3D dream coming from a small oval screen. I was walking inside the International psychiatric hospital in Eurowood. Most of the patients in the hospital were Africans and Arabs. A nurse told me that, doctors and politicians from forty countries were in the hospital. They wanted to decide about the fate of the patient of the century. I went to the auditorium of the hospital and saw him confined to a bed.
He was talking continuously. “I am ‘Cududyahan’, the Upper arm sub clan of the mighty Left arm-clan, I do not belong to this accursed patient lying in the bed“, “I am ‘Ciribyahan’, the Right calcareous! Most of you know me as the Heel Bone clan! I will not help or support the weight of this damned body anymore!”, “I am ‘Lafdhabaryahan’, the Backbone clan, without my help, this patient cannot rise up from the bed”. At last, a nurse put a duct tape on his mouth.
After a long discussion, a doctor told the delegates that the condition of the patient has improved slightly and that he can stand and walk alone, if the organs of his body allow the brain to resume its function as the body’s decision-maker and communication center. Majority of the organs has rejected the brain! The patient has refused to take the prescribed anti-rejection medications.
Some of the politicians were arguing and saying, “The patient should leave the hospital after few months. Taxpayers are complaining! He should take his medicine and leave the hospital within the shortest possible time. He can walk with the aid of crutches!” I liked their arguments and started to smile.
Suddenly, I heard another doctor saying: “Today, we inform the national community that we have succeeded in finding the appropriate medicine for the patient of the century. It is good news for the spiritonauts and a needed relief for the national community. The case of this patient was new to us. We have seen something peculiar about him. Although his brain was in a coma, most of his organs were functioning through bootable external USB stimuli.
“An unknown and non fatal substance in his body has benumbed the functions of the synapses. When we tried to treat the synapses, the nervous system of the patient started to improve. Then we discontinued the medication, after we realized its subsequently dangerous side effects. If the patient’s nervous system starts to function as it should, then he will be liable to show signs of a disease that is similar to DMS (delusional misidentification syndrome). His organs may restart self-mutilation, sudden irrational behavior or an extreme desire to harm or offend other bodies (i.e. neighboring counties)”.
“Therefore, in consideration of that, we have prescribed “Tribecetomol tablets” for the patient. Six months of dual-track medication through the patient’s body map would be enough. Doctors from Nairobi and the rest of Kenya assisted by others from USA and UK will make monthly controls and monitoring. The medicine will help his brain and his organs to work together by means of Tribal nervous system “.
The shock from those last statements caused my body to tremble. Both my overlapped dreams came to an abrupt end and I woke up.
Next: Part II – Origin, symptoms and complications
This essay was originally written by Hashi Yassin Osman to depict the predicament of Somalia, I have edited it to depict the predicaments of North Eastern Kenya which in some ways relate to that of Somalia given the fact that tribe and triabalism is applied in the same way in both scenarios.
Courtesy of Horseedmedia.